Q1:
Starting the year the happiest and then very quickly feeling it all. Turning 31 in February and the solar eclipse happened on April 8th. Letting all my protective parts drape a quilt of worry around me. Trying to keep up the practices that gave me time to feel the little roots on the soles of my feet dig into the soil for a bit as I continued to be transplanted again and again and again and again, etc. Crying a lot in March and then judged myself for that in April. Over a counter in his kitchen, a friend looking me in the eyes and telling me you should stop being so scared of breaking the rules. Crying again.
Snow—so much the bottom of my car makes a weird sound when I back out of my driveway (I’m getting that checked out), so little that it evaporated in an hour. Wet snow that struck me on the cheeks and dry snow like little down feathers.
Swimming in the ocean and sitting in a creek. Watching the steam float off the hot springs in March, unclenching my jaw. Making little drawings every day as if my life depended on it (metaphorically, it did). The sun debuting its new extended hours. Dancing until I was dripping with sweat and making new friends. Admiring tiny crescent moons on slow walks and taking time with the sun hitting my bare skin. Buying myself Trader Joe’s flowers, telling myself jokes when I was a little bit stoned, and letting myself fall into my loved one’s arms as if I were returning from war each day. And running—on pavement and trails, on bluebird days and cloudy mornings, while crying and laughing, with music and only listening to my feet hit the road.
Two days before the start of Q2, the turning point approached swiftly.
While witnessing two college kids blowing kisses at each other from opposite bike lanes, just two people on their own little bikes going opposite directions at sunset, I felt the shift.
I like to think they were in some sort of love and that is what compelled them to take their eyes off the road and their hands off of the handlebars. They both laughed in their jackets and helmets and sped to their destinations. Still sweaty from a yoga class, I was reminded that even though I was curled up in my dark closet of confusing sentiments, I was flooded with whimsy and optimism. All it takes is witnessing one splendid thing for me to unfurl and step out.
xoxo,
M.E.